The Thomas Crown Affair

Hello! Do you know what the Long John Review is? I’m not sure how far back you’ve read, but basically during a Christmas visit to Pin Mill, I fell asleep in the middle of a film. That film I will now attempt to recap in how easy it is to sleep to ——– THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR!

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When I was in college, Liz (our fave Australian lady) played a snippet due to the relation to the famous Migrette painting with the man with an apple in front of his face. Also they play this song and it’s brilliant.

As far as I can remember, it’s about a man who does a thing (an art heist-y thing) and a lady with red hair definitely loves him from afar. It was the late 90s, aka the mid 90s as everyone knows that the 90s finished in 2004. The fashion screams 90s, which for some reason has come back in the last two years (why? why? why is that? when will the 90s revival be over?).

I THINK the lady with the red hair is a detective, but oF COURSE THEy FaLL In LovE SIGH and at some point she wears a very sheer dress and does brilliant dancing.

Why am I being so scant on the details you may ask? Because I FELL ASLEEP RLY QUICKLY BECAUSE IT’S REALLY EASY TO SLEEP TO!

I woke up at the BEST BIT (you’ll know if you watch it) with all the briefcases and apples and Nina Simone was playing.

At the end he fakes his own death or something and then he and the ginger lady run away together by accident and she threatens to break his arm and then they kiss THE END. WTF.

But how sleep-able is it?
The Thomas Crown Affair is impossible NOT to sleep to!
I would give it 1/10 for the actual film
If you’re looking for a film to sleep to, absolutely watch The Thomas Crown Affair 10/10 sleepable.
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The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

Director: John McTiernan

Writers: Leslie Dixon, Kurt Wimmer

Stars: Pierce Brosnan, Rene Russo, Denis Leary

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British Art Show 8

Hello to my only regular reader! How are you? I’m doing well, thanks! I’m still blogging here and there, I haven’t quite mustered up the courage to do any more outfit photos, but I’m sure that will all change soon! I would quite like to pick up my old denim jacket from home home, as I’m going to dye it purple and cover it in fake flowers and possibly pom poms. Hope everything is alright with you!

If you happen to be in Norwich in the coming weeks (until the 4th of Septempber), I would suggest going and seeing British Art Show 8. It’s a travelling exhibition, and after Norwich you can find it in Leeds, Scotland, and other exciting places. Currently showing in part at Norwich Castle + Museum and partly in NUA!

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Hello Mr Man @ The Castle

Personally, only a handful of things appealed to my palette in the Castle – there are two films that are shown on a loop and are great things to feast your little peepers on. Firstly, a lovely film by Mikhail Karikis – lots of beautiful observations of the water cycle and orchestral childrens voices to make the noises, very nice. They’re also wearing ace outfits, everyone loves a bit of block colour to break up the socio-political and industrial history of Larderello!

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Mikhail Karikis

Secondly, a film entitled ‘FEED ME’ by Rachel Maclean. Picture this – a blue room, filled with acid-yellow bean bags on a pink carpet (the room smelled like new carpet SO STRONGLY, was it part of it? WHO KNOWS!) to reflect the colour scheme of the film.

Every time I thought I knew what was happening, something would shift. Is it about consumerism and how BuYiNG ThInGs Is BaD? Is it a take on being young and marketed? Is it about being old and gross? Is it about being too happy? Is it about social media (lol)? Everything is very bright and brilliantly put together, the costumes are amazing and the editing is brillo – it’s just surprising when they swear because everything is so bright.

After an hour, I realised it wasn’t following a chronological storyline, and my head hurt from the carpet smell, and I had to buy a bar of dairy milk because I felt a bit WEIRD AND UPSET. 10/10 for watching though.

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Rachel Maclean

Heading over to St Georges of NUA, I felt a brief glimmering of sadness knowing that my studies had finished – and what more, I was a week out of my job as SU President. They didn’t last long though, as there were some brilliantly nuts things to stand and look at, and whats more, nice people who wanted to look at paintings and didn’t see any.

On the ground floor (traditionally where you can find Textile students), Benedict Drew had taken over – a room that sounded like this; “WwEEEEEEMNEJSKJFSFkfkfkkkkkkkoooooooommmmmmdddddbbbbbbbbFFFFNFSDMFSD<FSDFFFHHFHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOooouoOoououoouuusdjjJJFKDKFUIIIIIIIIIIIOoooooioIioioooiiiuukkkkoooooooodddodooodoooooooonooOoooOooOOOOoooO000000000OOOooooofoodofooooooohrelloooooooooo”. It was GREAT. Screens and projections and old-skool blocky TVs (when is that trend going to end? Come on now). Usually, I’m not a massive fan of projection – soz Fine Art pals – but this ticked all my boxes. It was loud, silly and very groovycool.

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Upstairs, my senses were drawn towards big, sexy rugs on the walls. These were the stylings of Caroline Achaintre – and it was nice to see something that had been made and taken loads of time TBH! They were so great in stance and in the meaning of the word. Big lovely sad faces crying spools of wool – love it.

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Caroline Achaintre

As you walk into a small room, the door closes behind you – instantly, the lights go out a Scottish voice says something that I cannot remember. The lights offer you a seat and you’re treated to a sensory delight of the room talking to you. In another showing, thunder and lightening plays and fans whip on and off. Fun for all the family.

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Laure Prouvost

Finally, my last piece of Art In The British Art Show 8 That Didn’t Make Me Feel Cross Because What The Hell Even Is Art Anyway If Everyone Just Projects Things OMG! FFS!™ (although saying that, four of the pieces that were actively enjoyed were screen-based. Perhaps I need to eat my words, yum yum yum, delicious words) is a piece by Melanie Gilligan. The idea is, you pop some headphones on and wander around the black structure, making what you can of various short films being shown on each screen. Your heading changes as you walk, giving the viewer a perspective that is individual to them. V, v cool.

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Sorry, I’m not a critique-er (maybe I should have joined Critique Society LOL JK!) – I have a degree in Illustration and sometimes art makes me feel really cross. I’m not sure how to go to a show and soak it up and tell you what it all meant, but I can tell you what was BRILL! You should definitely go and see it – or not if you don’t want to! – whilst it’s still in Norwich.

OK GREAT I LOVE YOU BYE XXXX

Darby Forever

Foreword: The Long John Review was born from a bad habit, two friends, and a boring film. During the lull between 2015 to 2016, it was time for my yearly visit to Pin Mill. Two of my best pals live on a houseboat there, and it is the most idyllic, picturesque and chocolate-boxy place in the world. It was near 11pm on this visit that a film was suggested. No one particularly wanted to go to bed, as the evening had promised rum hot chocolate, sofa snÜgaling and brill times. However, as the film started up (it was the Thomas Crown Affair), something rather familiar started to happen…I FELL ASLEEP.
For some reason, I have a bad reputation in regards to falling asleep during films, programmes (favourites to fall asleep to: Hustle, Storage Hunters UK, Girls) and Ashens playlists. I have no idea how I earned this reputation LOL JK! It’s because I love to roll over and mumble “I’m listening, I’m listening” but actually I’m snoozing off to snooze land and need someone to take my glasses off before I crush them.
HOWEVER! It was from this bad habit that the Long John Review was born! So I bring to you, dear reader (that at this moment does not exist) a relatively (hopefully) regular feature of My New Blog™. The long and short of it is ‘how easy is this film to sleep to?’ – the question that nobody asked and nobody wanted to know the answer to. So without further ado, here is my first Long John Review…

DARBY FOREVER (2016)

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(via: vimeo)
I’m not sure how I came to see the trailer for Darby Forever, but I remember thinking ‘omg the colours’ and recognising the heroine as the lovely girl who hired Shoshanna to do marketing in Japan at the end of Girls season 4. Available to stream through Vimeo (FOR 99p!!), it’s a treat for your eyes and little heart.
With a run-time of 18 minutes, it’s a lovely little amount of pink, grey and sparkly. You could watch it whilst something is baking, or you’re in the bath, or if you’re waiting for someone to pick you up.
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(via: vimeo)
Darby Forever plays through a working week, the jolly old Monday through to Friday. A shy girl who works in a haberdashery (so full to the brim and spilling over with little bits and pieces that I want to scrabble under my bed for little bits and pieces and make, make, make!!!!) eats her illegal sandwich amongst rolls of fabric the way that Cady Harran eats her lunch in a toilet cubical on the first gruelling day of high school. She’ll find time to adorn ephemera with thread and glitter and buttons, but she’ll be in the grey staff room wearing her grey apron and eating her grey food possibly forever.
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It’s only when Super Sexy and BAdAss Natasha Lyonne makes an appearance with her equally Super Sexy and BAdAss Band Mates (let’s call them SSBABM) appear that Darby seems to come into her own – kind of.
As the SSBABM strut about and look for fabric, a dialogue is heard “…Stevie Nicks, Gary Glitter, not pedophiles…witches going into battle, switch blade witches” – the kind of look that these SSBABM are looking for – “it’s black and that good for us”. 
Poor old Darby tries to play it cool, but ends up feeling a bit silly. Can you blame her? It’s easy to be tongue-tied around Natasha Lyonne (I imagine), especially if she has two SSBABM with her. So she goes back to her grey lunchroom and pops something grey to eat in the microwave and allows herself to daydream whilst the timer is counting down.
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Oh Captain my Captain! What’s this? Darby is RAD and ROCKIN’ out a HARD ONE. Suddenly the scene is full of pink neon and riot grrrl, and Katy Goodman (of La Sera and Vivian Girls) and Ali Koehler (of Best Coast, Vivian Girls and Upset) and it only lasts all of about 30 seconds but those 30 seconds are GREAT. I want to be in these 30 seconds with a little leather skirt on although we all KNOW that a little leather skirt would clash with my granny attire.
Darby in these small seconds is now in a band – Darby and the Bad Girls. “Black boots, cigarettes, lip stick and fishnets // I’m a b-” EEP BEEP BEEP goes the microwave, ending her brill fantasies for today.
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It’s Tuesday, and in comes her love interest. Not to give too much away, but he seems like a lovable boy who refills the water in the water dispenser – I believe it’s known as a ‘water cooler’ in America. PLOT TWIST: he IS a lovable boy who refills the water in the water dispenser, but he also loves baseball.
Darby (knowing this – clever, clever Darby) has rather thoughtfully and beautifully put together a display of fabric, patches, sequins, pompoms and other haberdashery materials.
So many questions are born from this small scene. Are they going to kiss? Are they going to play baseball? How do they get through so much water? Darby? Are you listening? Darby?
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It’s Wednesday, and after spending some time jazzing up her work uniform, Darby is faced with two customers. A mother and a daughter seek fabric in order to create a carrot costume. After attempting to riff with the daughter of the pair and being denied that privilege (“I’m not that young”) we’re treated to a pastel and perfect-mother meeting in a garden of flowery splendour. When Darby attempts her carrot-based joke the second time around, she is praised with tinkly laughter. Everything is great in this Mother Garden. Some subtle bragging ensues about Gardina Rose, the fictional daughter O’ Darby. This then triggers a song sequence in which she boasts “I made you by making love with your father” and it’s brilliant. It’s probably the best bit. I’ve included an extra screen grab of the scene because it’s so lovely. Here it is below.
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Suddenly, the garden and the daughter that the Imagination Of Darby™ worked so hard to achieve is snatched from her, leaving her in a mushroom-coloured room in which she blends so well into. Everyone looks washed out compared to the haven they were just seen in and you can almost hear the florescent bulbs buzzing above her. Goodbye Wednesday.

When Thursday comes around, it becomes apparent why the Water Cooler Love Affair™ has to come around so many times a week – I won’t give anything away though. You’ll have to watch it to discover the #mystery.
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(screen grab via: vimeo)
It’s Friday, and Water Cooler Love Affair™ is here to replace water and to notice the hand-stitched additions on Darbys uniform. Can she manage to be witty and pretty and lovely this time? Of course she can – she’s daydreaming about baseball that entails no running, everything is pink and cute (of course) and her baseball coach is a DOG.
At the end of this fantasy, she’s hit in the face with the shop keys and her manager (played by Retta, no less) is trusting her to do things. Plus she oversees Water Cooler Love Affair™ not being very good at his job and in that second she knows that she could have it all. What a lovely ending, truly.
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(screen grab via: vimeo)
But how sleep-able is it?
Darby Forever, being 18 minutes long, is impossible to sleep to!
I would give it 1/10 for the easiness of sleep-able-ness!
I was very excited to watch it, therefor I couldn’t sleep to it!
If you’re looking for a film to sleep to, do NOT watch Darby Forever.
However, if you’re looking for a short film about a nice girl who is brilliant at day-dreaming, I thoroughly recommend it.
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Darby Forever (2016)

Director: Osmany Rodriguez

Writers: Aidy Bryant, Chris Kelly

Stars: Aidy Bryant, Retta, Natalie Bright, Matt Cohen, Natasha Lyonne

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Foreword: Hollie Cook
Long John Review: Hollie Cook